Farting At Work: Why & How To Let Loose At The Office
> Holding back farts for extended durations is unhealthy and unnatural
The hour long conference call just started.
You can feel the pressure building up in your lower gut.
You’ve ignored the smaller subtle sensations earlier, but now, it’s at a totally higher level. It’s getting close to bustin’ loose.
Your lunch is working its way through your system and things are gettin’ a bit more gassy than usual.
This one is definitely not a small one where you can lift one cheek and sneak it out discreetly while sitting in your chair.
Nope, this one’s gonna be a honker. You just know it.
The problem is that you’re in the middle of a conference call and can’t leave your desk for the next hour. Ugh, this is gonna be torture.
For the next 60 minutes, you bear the bloating as you try to stay focused on the discussion and take notes.
The last 5 minutes seemed to take forever and when the host asked, “Does anybody have any questions?”
You pray and hope nobody does.
“Okay then, that wraps up the call. Thanks for joining the call. Have a great day everyone.”
Thank you, Jesus!
You hang up and quickly head for the bathroom.
It’s empty - yes, finally something that’s working your way for a change.
You let loose and just as you predicted, it’s a loud rhythmic fart that would’ve made any frat-boy nod with approval, “nice one.”
The pressure release brings waves of relief and relaxation - phew, that felt good, really good.
You fan away the evidence, do a quick self-check in the mirror and head back to your desk.
It’s situations like these where holding back natural bodily functions for a long time makes things really uncomfortable.
If you were at home, you could’ve just let it rip (muted phone, of course). But, you’re at work and you can’t do that. At least, without attracting some shocking looks.
When your body needs to release, it’s gotta go. There’s only so much you can do to hold things back.
About Farts & Why Holding Them Back Is Not Healthy
Our digestive system works wonders. It transforms the food we eat and the stuff we drink into useable nutrition for our bodies to grow, heal and maintain health.
As part of our digestive process and other normal bodily functions, our bodies create waste by-products that need to be taken out of our system.
And this is mainly done through pissing and shitting. Coughing and sneezing too, if you’re sick. And of course, farting.
Farts are mostly from the swallowed air when we drink and eat. Any air that doesn’t get burped, gets sent into the digestive system.
From there, additional gases are generated in our large intestines by our good bacteria microorganisms feasting on what we’ve eaten.
As the microorganisms ferment and break down the food more, they release gases made up of nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide, methane (all odorless) and sulfur (that’s the stuff that stinks).
Essentially, our internal microorganisms are farting inside our gut. So, we're actually farting their farts.
Here’s a quick video from the folks over at PBS that highlights the science a bit more.
VIDEO: It’s Okay To Fart
YOUTUBE: It’s Okay To Be Smart
> All humans, animals and even microorganisms fart
> Microorganisms in our gut create gases or “fart” during digestion
> It’s a natural function of our bodies that we shouldn’t hold back on
Our bodies need to get rid of these gases plus all the other fluid and solid waste products. But, we’re not living like cavemen anymore and we just can’t go relieve ourselves anytime and anywhere.
So, there are many times throughout the day where we need to hold back until we have the chance to get to the toilet. Just like the conference call experience from above.
Now, holding back for brief amounts of time isn’t going to do you any harm other than some discomfort. However, holding back often for extended periods of time can mess you up. You’re not doing any favors for your bladder, digestive and intestinal systems.
More specifically with farting, when you’re holding it in constantly for long periods of time, it increases your risk of this thing called diverticula.
This is when pouches form in the walls of your colon, which can become infected, leading to a condition called diverticulitis. This leads to not-so-nice things like abdominal pain, bowel obstruction and constipation to name just a few.
Not to mention, there’s also all that stomach bloating, pressure and pain that arises when you’re holding your farts back.
It’s unhealthy to hold your farts back - that’s clear. But, we just can’t let loose and ass sneeze whenever and wherever at work. It’s just not a socially acceptable thing to do.
Discreet Ways & Places To Fart At Work Other Than The Bathroom
If we all had the luxury of being able to work from home, this wouldn’t even be a topic needing any discussion. But, alas, we’re all slaves to the office cubicle.
The obvious place to fart at work is in the bathroom, on the toilet - you know, because there’s always that small chance that this could be a shart (shit-fart). And, you don’t want to paint a fresh shit stripe in your underwear at work.
But, we want to explore other options because we can’t run to the bathroom each and every time. And frankly, sometimes we’re all just too lazy.
We need to be able to open our ass valves throughout the day while we’re at work. In fact, on average, most people fart between 15-20 times throughout the day.
For real healthy types that eat lots of veggies, particularly beans, lentils, broccoli, and cauliflower to mention a few, this figure can climb even higher.
So, just know that there are fellow co-workers that are releasing ass gas all around you all day long. You just don’t know it because they’re employing several tactics to keep it on the down low.
Here are a few that you should try out. These options have lower probabilities of getting called out on farting.
1) Fart Walk “Crop Dusting” Down The Aisle
This is an ideal method to release your butt fumes when you’re not in your cubicle and you’re out and about in the office.
It’s a great way because the odor isn’t isolated and/or concentrated in one spot, which makes it difficult for others to identify the source offender.
When your farts dissipate and spread across an open area or space, it’s not as intense. It’s the polar opposite of an elevator fart - that’s cruel and inhumane torture.
The key here is to let a little bit of gas out in between each stride. Your walking stride causes your butt cheeks to naturally separate slightly. And when your butt cheeks have that bit of separation, that’s when you let loose because there’s much less chance of making an audible ass burp.
Warning: don’t crop dust down any cubicle aisle that is fully occupied. Even though the odor is diluted, you’d be surprised at how fast the airborne wake can travel into other cubicles.
They’ll all know - don’t do it.
Find another less populated area and gas out there instead. And definitely don’t fart walk anywhere near your cubicle, you’ll end up dragging some of it with you to your desk.
2) Gas Out In The Stairwell
Let’s face it. Most people will opt to take the elevator instead of the stairs. Use this fact to your advantage and head to the stairs when the pressure is building.
In most offices, there are at least two sets of stairs. This is due to fire codes so that there’s more than one way out of the building in case of a fire.
Use the stairway that’s less used. It will reduce the chances of anyone coming across you as you pop the bubble.
The best spot is typically the platform landing in between the floors. It’s that small floor space where the stairs change direction.
This spot is ideal because you typically have visibility to the entrance door above and below you. This allows you to check for any possible co-workers entering the stairs.
Plus, it provides extra space to air things out.
The big issue with this area is that it’s notoriously echoey. If you let out a stuttering trumpet here, it’s gonna reverberate everywhere. And Murphy’s Law will always happen in these instances - you fart, it echoes and someone decides to enter the stairwell at that very moment.
So, spread your ass cheeks when you’re gassing out. This will minimize the chances of blurting out any unwanted anal audio. Then, get the hell outta there and leave the scene of the crime.
3) Fumigate In Your Own Cubicle
Okay, this option is only for the most brazen and bold. However, this can work for those of you that fart flowers and rainbows.
Farting in your own cubicle has its issues - namely having to deal with your own foul smells. And, the possibility that your noxious fumes may billow up and over the wall to your neighbor. Plus, anyone that might walk into your cubicle moments after you decompress - like your boss...office nightmare right there.
If you work in an open office floor plan, dot-com style, where you sit shoulder-to-shoulder with your fellow coworkers, please don’t do this. It’s plain obnoxious.
However, with all that said, if your cubicle is in a remote and less populated area of the office and your farts are somewhat innocuous, less pungent and less voluminous, this is a viable alternative.
The only challenge is to make sure that it’s silent. To remain inconspicuous, you gotta do this while seated. Tilt to one side, spread your ass cheeks a little bit and let the gas pass then keep your fingers crossed that nobody comes by your desk.
Expert Tip: Keep a small bottle of scented hand moisturizer at work. Then, after you silently let loose, moisturize your hands and wave your hands around to dry out the lotion and waft the flowery scent to cover your odor.
It’s a much better tactic than using a spray deodorizer because the sound of the aerosol spray is an obvious tell-tale sign that you just busted ass. Using hand lotion is silent and something you should periodically do anyway.
Nobody will ever know.
4) Drop It In An Empty Conference Room
This option isn’t really a suitable place to fart. This is more of an impromptu pit stop when you’re out and about in the office and you can’t fart walk down any cubicle aisles.
The best conference room to use is the one that is rarely used at your office. It’s usually that oddball one that nobody likes to use because it’s missing a projector screen or doesn’t have a phone - whatever.
But, chances are that you’re not walking by that one but a normal conference room.
If the conference room is unoccupied, take a quick peek at the time. If it’s at an odd time, meaning not at the start or mid-point of the hour, chances are good that the conference room will remain empty for a bit.
Again - do the visual pre-check or you may end up like this girl.
VIDEO: Bad Gas Office Problem #43
YOUTUBE: Brandon Buczek
If it’s all clear, sneak in and do a quick one lap fart walk around the conference room table.
Or, head to the opposite corner from the door and drop your ass bomb there.
Either tactic will help to minimize your odor footprint.
And, if there’s a window and the weather is nice, you could crack it open a bit as a courtesy.
If not, you’d better get out of there quick just in case a group decides to have a quick informal meeting in that room. They’re gonna be in for a real smelly surprise.
5) Ass Blast Outside The Office
This is a great option and our most recommended one after using the bathroom. When you’re outside, you’ve got several factors working in your favor.
First, it’s outside and out in the open where the wind and air can easily dissipate your awful stench. The odor won’t linger much and will quickly spread thin into the atmosphere.
Second, there are other ambient noises around to help cover up any possible ass acoustics. The sounds of vehicle traffic, airplanes overhead, city sounds, wind, construction noise, etc. will all help to cover up any thunder from down under.
Third, you won’t be offending any others that might receive collateral damage from your skunking out.
In fact, since you have a good radius of visibility, you can easily see if anyone is approaching or nearby. If not, you can just let your ass shout as loud as it wants - no need to hold back.
This is a big and important point we’d like to stress here.
If you feel that there’s any...and we mean any possibility that you think you might shart, don’t take any chances and don't trust that fart - get on the toilet and do your backend blowout there.
There’s nothing worse than shitting yourself at work. It’s just not worth the risk. Nobody keeps a pair of backup underwear at work. We’re not in kindergarten anymore. And if you do...well, that’s kinda scary.
How To Minimize Your Farts
We mentioned earlier that farting is a normal and necessary bodily function. All living creatures need to be able to excrete waste from their systems.
You shouldn’t be holding back unnaturally for long periods of time.
However, we understand that some of us have a bit more gas than others. This can be a result of what you’re eating/drinking, how your body processes food and any food intolerances it may have among other things.
If you’re farting is really out of control, schedule a visit with your doctor and see what options are available to you.
With that said, here are some ways you can minimize your ass gas.
1) Don’t Inhale Your Food
What most people don’t realize is that a majority of our farts is because of the air we swallow when we eat and drink.
Some of that air does get released when we burp but what doesn’t come out of our mouths will eventually have to come out of our asses. Pure and simple.
So, instead of gobbling down your food fast, slow down, chew slowly and don’t gulp it down with pockets of air. Not only will this keep burps to a minimum, but it will also cut down on the volume of farts.
2) Stay Away From Chewing Gum
For the same reason we mentioned above, chewing gum almost always results in more swallowed air into your stomach.
As you’re chewing gum, it’s producing saliva in your mouth that infused with lots of air. The more you chew, the more air you’ll consume.
So, stop gnawing on flavored plasticized rubber and munch on some dried fruits and nuts instead.
3) Cut Back On Carbonated Drinks
Again, this is the same as the previous two. Carbonated drinks are saturated with carbonation (duh!) and all those bubbles go right into your digestive system and eventually need to escape.
Any carbonation that isn’t burped out is gonna have to come out of the other end.
So, next time you’re reaching for a drink, pick the one that’s flat and non-carbonated. It’ll help to keep the bloating and gas down.
4) Reduce Fart-Inducing Foods
There are certain foods that are known to produce more gas in our system than others - remember, beans? Well, there’s a few more that are in the same category.
Here are some of the more common ones:
- Beans (duh)
- Eggs (duh, again)
- Red meat
- Brussel sprouts
- Whole grains
We’re not saying you should cut these all out of your diet. But, if there’s one particular food that you know gets you all gassed up, then don’t eat it.
You know your body best so, listen to it and stay away from the stuff that turns your stomach upside down. This includes any and all food allergies or intolerances that your body can’t deal with.
5) Try Supplements Or Probiotics
There are a few over-the-counter (OTC) meds that can help ease the gas build up.
Beano is an OTC medication that has a digestive enzyme called a-galactosidase. Essentially, it helps break down complex carbohydrates in your small intestine instead of the large intestine where there is more gas-producing bacteria and microorganisms.
While Beano can help with bean-based foods, it’s effectiveness with other types of food isn’t so well known and can vary from person to person.
If your gas is from lactose intolerance, there’s Lactaid, which is also available as OTC. Lactaid has an enzyme called lactase that helps folks digest and process dairy products better.
Nowadays, there are a lot more choices for lactose-free dairy products. So, instead of taking pills, consider buying those kinds of products instead.
And finally, there are probiotics. These are dietary supplements that contain “good bacteria” for your digestive system. They team-up with your existing good bacteria in your system and help to boost microorganism strength.
It’s Okay To Fart & Let It Rip At Work
We spend the majority of our waking hours at work. There’s no way that we can or should clench and seal our asses all day long to hold in our farts.
It’s unhealthy and totally unnatural.
Yes, we don’t want to attract unwanted attention or experience the godawful shaming of accidentally farting at work. But, that doesn’t mean that we should only fart in the bathroom.
Unless you’re in a meeting or on a conference call, when the need arises, take a break and go for a crop dusting walk outside.
You’ll be able to relieve both your mental stress and ass gas. Plus, you’ll get some much needed fresh air instead of the stale recirculated office air and a bit of exercise in for the day. It’s a fantastic combo.
We say fart away!